I'' 


THE  STAR  BOARDER 


A  Comedy 


BY 

CHARLES  NEVERS  HOLMES 

AUTHOR  OF 

A  Paper  Wedding,*'  "Please  Pass  the  Cream"  "Smith's  Unlucky 
Day"  and  "Their  First  Quarrel." 


CHICAGO 
T.  S.  DENISON  &  COMPANY 
Publishers 


/r 


THE  STAR  BOARDER 


Mr.  Timothy  Ticknor  A  Star  Boarder 

Miss  Martha  Hungerford.  .  .A  Boarding-Hotise  Hostess 

Mrs.  Eaton  A  Widow^ 

Miss  Lerned  A  Schoolma'am 

Miss  Fillmore  A  Nervous  Invalid 

Miss  Drinkwater  A  Private  Secretary^ 

Miss  Painter   An  Artist 

Miss  Klickem   A  Typezvritess 

Miss  Molly  Breaker  Miss  Hungerford' s  Maid 


t 


Place — A  n  yn^here. 


Time — At  Dinner  Hour, 


Time  of  Playing — About  Forty-five  Minutes, 


Costumes — Informal  dress  for  dinner  table,  according  t 
the  character  who  is  represented.    The  description  of 
Mr.  Ticknor  may  he  changed  to  fit  the  appearance  of 
the  person  playing  the  part. 


copyright,  1920,  BY  CHARLES  NEVERS  HOLMES. 


2 


Cr  ' 


THE  STAR  BOARDER 


SCENE  PLOT. 


RIGHT 


TELEPHONE 
□ 


CLOCK 


DOOR 


LEFT 


PICTURE 


WINDOW 

riR.TICKNOR  O 


/FIRE  niSS  FILLMORE-O 
/PLACE 


MISS 
MUMGERFORD 

a 


MISS  PAlfNTERO 


/CLOSE-T 
(DOOR 


WINDOW 
0    MISS  LERNED 


D    MISS  DRINKWVTER 


D  MISS  KLICKEM 


MRS  EATON 


SIDE 
BOARD 


STAGE  DIRECTIONS. 


R.  means  right  of  stage;  C,  center;  R.  C,  right  center; 
L,,  left;  I  E,,  first  entrance;  U.  E.,  upper  entrance;  R.  J  E., 
right  entrance,  up  stage,  etc.;  up  stage,  away  from  foot- 
lights; down  stage,  near  footlights.  The  actor  is  supposed 
to  be  facing  the  audience. 


THE  STAR  BOARDER 


Scene:  The  dining-room  in  Miss  Hungerford^s  board- 
ing-house; a  dining-table,  almost  set  for  dinner,  extending 
from  front  of  stage  to  rear,  eight  covers;  Miss  Hunger- 
ford's  seat  being  at  rear,  facing  audience;  Mrs.  Eaton's  in 
front,  back  to  audience;  Mr.  Ticknor's,  Miss  Fillmore's 
and  Miss  Painter's,  respectively,  at  right  hand  of  Miss 
Hungerford's  seat;  and  Miss  Lerned's,  Miss  Drinkwa- 
ter's  and  Miss  Klickem's,  respectively,  at  left  hand  of  Miss 
Hungerford's  seat.  Carpet  on  floor,  lighted  electric  hang- 
ing-lamp over  table.  At  left  of  room,  behind  Miss  Lerned, 
Miss  Drinkwater  and  Miss  Klickem,  a  door  to  kitchen, 
with  window  up,  and  sideboard  down  stage;  at  rear  of 
room,  behind  Miss  Hungerford,  a  large  door,  with  a  good- 
sized  clock  (this  clock  should  have  conspicuous  hand  and 
dial,  being  so  arranged  that  its  hands  can  be  moved  from  be- 
hind, and  its  hours  struck,  unobserved,  according  to  the 
progress  of  the  play)  on  right  of  door  and  a  picture  on 
left;  and  at  right  of  room,  behind  Mr.  Ticknor,  Miss  Fill- 
more and  Miss  Painter,  a  fireplace,  tongs,  poker,  etc., 
with  a  closet  and  key  down  stage  and  a  window  up  stage. 
Also,  a  telephone  outside  the  room,  beyond  the  large  door 
at  rear.  Respecting  ages,  Mr.  Ticknor,  Miss  Hungerford, 
Mrs.  Eaton  and  Miss  Fillmore  are  about  forty;  Miss 
Lerned  and  Miss  Drinkwater  about  thirty,  and  Miss 
Painter,  Miss  Klickem  and  Miss  Breaker  about  twenty. 

As  the  curtain  rises  the  good-sized  clock  is  striking  six, 
and  Miss  Hungerford  and  her  maid  are  hurrying  around, 
setting  the  table.  After  the  clock  stops  striking,  the  maid 
drops  a  plate  to  the  floor,  in  full  view  of  the  audience. 

Miss  Hungerford  {sharply).  That's  the  fourth  plate 
you  have  broken  today!  It's  one  of  my  best  plates,  too. 
If  you  keep  on  like  this,  you'll  be  owing  me  a  month's 
wages ! 

5 


6 


THE  STAR  BOARDER 


Molly  (slowly  picking  tip  the  plate).  But  it  ain't 
broken,  Miss  Hungerford. 

Miss  H.  (taking  it  from  her  and  carefully  examining* 
it).  So  it  ain't.  But  how  on  earth  did  you  manage  it? 
That's  the  first  time  I  ever  knew  you  to  fail!  (She  places 
the  plate,  after  a  brief  rub  with  a  cloth,  at  Miss  Klick- 
em's  seat.) 

Molly  (meekly),  Yes'm. 

Miss  H.  (glancing  over  the  table).  Is  everything  in  its 
place? — the  spoons? — the  forks? — the  knives?  Of  course 
not!  Molly,  you've  forgotten  Mrs.  Eaton's  knife,  and  Miss 
Lerned's,  too. 

Molly  (going  to  the  sideboard  very  slozdy  and  opening 
its  lowest  drawer).  Yes'm. 

Miss  H.  (sharply).  Molly,  how  many  times  have  I  told 
you  that  I  keep  all  the  table  knives  in  the  upper  drawer  ? 

Molly  (opening  the  sideboard's  upper  drawer,  taking 
out  two  knives  and  placing  one  of  these  at  Miss  Lerned's 
seat.)  Yes'm.  (She  starts  with  the  other  knife  towards 
Mrs.  Eaton's  seat,  but  drops  the  knife  to  the  floor.) 

Miss  H.  (despairingly).  Mercy,  Molly,  you're  even  more 
careless  than  Mary  was !  And  I  thought  that  Mary  broke 
the  record  in  smashing  cups,  saucers  and  plates.  It  cer- 
tainly seems  to  me  the  higher  recommendation  those  insur- 
ance agencies — I  mean  those  intelligence  agencies — give  a 
maid,  the  worse  she  is. 

Molly  (meekly).  Yes'm. 

Miss  H.  (mth  another  glance  at  the  table).  Now,  is 
everything  ready  ?  Well,  call  our  chickens — old  and  young ! 

Molly  (moving  towards  the  rear  door).  Yes'm. 

Miss  H.  (suddenly).  Wait!  Of  course!  You've  forgot- 
ten something  else — Miss  Fillmore's  napkin.  What  a  fuss 
that  crazy  old  maid  would  make  if  she  didn't  find  her  nap- 
kin! (She  rushes  to  the  sideboard,  grabs  a  napkin  and 
places  it  beside  Miss  Fillmore's  plate.)  All  right!  I  guess 
you  can  open  the  dogr  and  call  'em  in. 

Molly  (opening  the  rear  door,  speaking  loudly).  Din- 
ner— is — served! 


THE  STAR  BOARDER 


7 


Fiv^  of  the  seven  guests  enter  in  the  following  order: 
Mrs.  Eaton,  Miss  Fillmore,  Miss  Drinkwater,  Miss 
Painter  and  Miss  Klickem.  They  enter  in  haste  and 
seat  themselves  with  more  or  less  bustle. 

Miss  H.  {seating  herself  with  great  dignity).  Ladies,  I 
don't  see  why  you  are  in  such  a  hurry — this  dinner  won't 
begin  until  /  am  seated.  {She  serves  her  guests  from  a 
soup  tureen,  Molly  assisting  her.  Miss  H.  passing  the 
soup  dish  to  Molly.)  For  Miss  Drinkwater.  I  wonder 
where  our  new  guest  is?  Only  one  of  you  has  met  him,  I 
think.  You  met  him  at  lunch,  didn't  you.  Miss  Fillmore  ? 

Miss  Fillmore  (who  is  drinking  from  her  glass  of 
water,  nervously  spilling  some  water  upon  the  table  cloth). 
Ye-es — yes — I  did. 

Miss  H.  (as  Miss  Fillmore  is  using  her  napkin  to  re- 
move  the  water  from  the  table  cloth).  Oh,  don't  trouble 
I  yourself  about  that  spilt  water,  Miss  Fillmore.  It  won't 
hurt  the  table  cloth.  If  it  did,  all  my  table  cloths  would  be 
ruined!  Of  course,  some  of  my  guests  are  greater  splashers 
than  others.  I  don't  mention  any  names,  but  we  all  know 
^  who  they  are !  (She  passes  a  second  soup  dish  to  Molly — 
for  Miss  Fillmore).  As  I  was  saying,  I  wonder  where 
our  new  guest  is?  I  guess  he's  forgotten  that  we  dine  at 
six  sharp,  although  it's  posted  up  in  every  room  in  this 
house. 

Miss  Klickem  (innocently).  But  it  isn't  posted  up  in 
my  room.  Miss  Hungerford. 

Miss  H.  (sarcastically) .  No,  I  suppose  not.  All  notices 
posted  up  in  your  room,  Miss  Klickem,  mysteriously  disap- 
pear. But,  naturally,  I  can't  blame  a  new  guest  for  not 
knowing  our  rules  and  regulations,  although  I  told  him 
pointedly,  when  he  was  paying  me  in  advance,  that  break- 
fast is  at  eight  sharp,  lunch  for  such  as  want  it  at  one 
sharp,  and  dinner  at  six  very  sharp.  However,  man-like, 
he  has  forgotten  all  about  it.  I  do  hope  our  new  guest 
won't  catch  the  habit  some  of  us  have  in  being  chronically 
late — don't  you.  Miss  Klickem?  (She  passes  a  third  soup 
dish  to  Molly — for  Miss  Painter.) 


8  THE  STAR  BOARDER 

Miss  K.  {flippantly) .  I  hope  so — for  his  sake!  Have  I 
ever  been  chronically  late  at  meals,  Miss  Hunger  ford? 

Miss  H.  {sharply).  Yes!  You're  always  late!  Last 
evening  you  were  fifteen  minutes  late. 

Miss  K.  {with  an  irritating  smile).  Well,  Tm  on  time 
tonight  all  right,  am  I  not?  So  I'm  not  always  late. 

Miss  H.  {quietly).  You  seem  to  be  here,  but  if  it  were 
possible,  I  should  think  that  my  clock  was  wrong.  How- 
ever, Miss  Klickem,  don't  let  it  occur  again! 

Miss  K.  {glancing  at  her  wrist  watch).  Yes,  I  am  ahso- 
liitely  on  time.  {Bending  forzvard  to  look  at  the  clock  in 
the  rear  of  room.)  W-h-y !  Miss  Hungerford — your  clock 
is  wrong.  {Again  glancing  at  her  wrist  watch.)  It  is  ex- 
actly  fifteen  minutes  fast ! 

Miss  H.  {angrily).  It  is  not!  It  is  always  correct. 
{Turning  her  head  towards  it.)  That  clock  doesn't  lose 
one  minute  in  a  year. 

Miss  K.  {positively).  But  I  set  my  watch  by  observatory 
time  this  noon  and  my  watch  couldn't  have  lost  fifteen  min- 
utes in  only  six  hours. 

Miss  H.  {with  great  dignity).  Has  any  lady  at  this 
table  another  watch?  Miss  Drinkwater,  what  does  your 
watch  say? 

Miss  Drinkwater  {glancing  at  her  wrist  watch,  hesi- 
tating a  little).  Well — er — Miss  Hungerford — it  says  just 
five  minutes  of  six. 

Miss  K.  {giggling).  And  your  clock,  Miss  Hungerford, 
says  it's  just  ten  minutes  past  six. 

Miss  H.  {crossly).  Your  watch  needs  repairing.  Miss 
Drinkwater !  I  am  sure  that  my  clock  is  correct.  {She 
turns  her  head  tozvards  it.)  Has  anyone  else  a  watch?  Mrs. 
Eaton?  {She  shakes  her  head.)  Of  course  not!  Miss  Fill- 
more? {She  shakes  her  head.)  Of  course  not!  Miss 
Painter?  {She  nods.)  Well,  Miss  Painter  {speaking  im- 
patiently)^ what  time  is  it? 

Miss  Painter  {nervously).  It  is  four  minutes  of  six 
by  my  watch. 


THE  STAR  BOARDER  9 

s 

Miss  K.  (irritatingly) ,  Your  watch  needs  overhauling, 
Miss  Painter! 

Miss  H.  (very  sharply).  Miss  KHckem,  will  you  be  kind 
enough  to — er — restrain  your  tongue  for  at  least  a  minute ! 
Of  course^  those  new-fangled  wrist  watches  are,  as  a  rule, 
very  unreliable  timekeepers.  If  you  ladies  will  excuse  me,  I'll 
telephone  to  the  nearest  railroad  station  for  the  correct 
time.  (She  rises  with  great  dignity  and  leaves  the  room 
by  door  at  rear.) 

Miss  K.  {triumphantly).  Well,  our  sweet  tempered 
hostess  has  made  a  mistake — at  last. 

Mrs.  Eaton  {laughing).  Do  you  think  she'll  survive  it? 

Miss  K.  {also  laughing).  I  don't  know.  It's  pretty 
hard  to  kill  the  hostess  of  a  boarding-house! 

Miss  H.  re-entering  by  door  in  rear. 

Miss  H.  Well,  the  line  was  busy,  but  I  am  absolutely 
•  sure  my  clock  is  correct!  {She  sits  dozvn  at  head  of  table.) 
Ladies,  I  have  decided  upon  one  thing,  that  henceforth,  be- 
ginning with  breakfast  tomorrow,  any  of  you  who  is  late  at 
^  a  meal  will  not  be  permitted  to  eat  at  that  meal.  And  this 
regulation  will  be  most  rigidly  enforced  whether  you  are 
only  one  second  late  or  an  hour  late. 

Miss  K.  {in  a  tone  of  mock  perplexity) .  But,  Miss  Hun- 
gerford,  how  shall  we  know  what  time  it  is?  Shall  we  go 
by  observatory  time  or  by  this  household's  time? 

Miss  H.  {severely  turning  towards  and  pointing  to  the 
clock).   Our  meals  will  be  regulated  by  that  clock! 

Miss  K.  {in  the  same  tone  as  before).  But  supposing 
that  clock  should  stop? 

Miss  H.  {very  positively).  It  won't!  It's  been  ticking 
ever  since  Grandfather  Brown  willed  it  to  me,  and  I  have 
never  yet  forgotten  to  wind  it  up.  And  it's  going  to  tell 
the  time  for  meals  in  our  household  just  as  long  as  Martha 
Hungerford  presides  over  this  table.  But  we  will  not  dis- 
cuss the  matter  further!  Will  you  have  some  more  soup, 
Mrs.  Eaton?  There's  no  need  to  ask  you — you  ahvays  do! 

Mrs.  E.  {quietly).  I  should  like  some  soup.  Miss  Hun- 
gerford.   I  haven't  had  any  yet. 


10 


THE  STAR  BOARDER 


Miss  H.  (in  a  tone  of  surprise).  Why,  so  you  haven't! 
(She  hastens  to  serve  Mrs.  Eaton.)  Pardon  me,  Mrs. 
Eaton,  although  my  neglect  of  you  is  wholly  excusable  un- 
der the  circumstances.  (To  Molly.)  Molly,  after  you 
have  passed  Mrs.  Eaton  her  soup,  will  you  go  to  Mr.  Tick- 
nor's  room  and  inform  him  that  "dinner  is  served."  (She 
hands  the  fourth  soup  plate  to  Molly.) 

Miss  K.  (with  dignity).  If  there  is  no  regulation 
against  it.  Miss  Hungerford,  I  should  like  some  soup.  I 
haven't  had  any  yet. 

Miss  H.  (with  a  smile).  Well,  if  I  didn't  wholly  forget 
you.  Miss  Klickem!  (She  serves  Miss  Klickem.)  Molly, 
before  you  go  to  Mr.  Ticknor's  room,  will  you  pass  Miss 
Klickem  her  soup.  (In  a  severe  tone.)  Oh,  by  the  way, 
Miss  Klickem,  have  you  ever  heard  of  ''regulation  8"  of 
this  household? 

Miss  K.  (lightly).  That's  the  regulation  which  comes 
just  after  'regulation  7,"  isn't  it? 

Miss  H.  (passing  the  fifth  soup  plate  to  Molly).  It  is, 
and  I'll  repeat  it  for  your  special  benefit.  There's  none  of 
my  other  guests  who  needs  it.  (Molly  places  the  soup  plate 
before  Miss  Klickem  and  then  exits  by  rear  door.) 
Kindly  listen.  Miss  Klickem! 

Miss  K.  (imitating  Molly).  Yes'm. 

Miss  H.  (speaking  very  clearly).  "Regulation  8.  No 
guest  is  permitted  to  chew  gum  outside  the  privacy  of  her 
own  room,  or  to  use  any  place  of  repository  for  it  except- 
ing the  waste  basket."  Miss  Klickem,  I  have  found  fre- 
quent evidence  that  you  disobey  "regulation  8."  Only  today 
I  discovered  such  indisputable  evidence  under  the  mantel 
in  the  parlor. 

Miss  K.  (angrily).  Well,  that  doesn't  prove  that  /  put 
the  gum  there.  Perhaps  you  placed  it  there  yourself  and 
have  forgotten  all  about  it. 

Miss  H.  (with  very  great  dignity).  Miss  Klickem,  you 
are  very  insulting !  I  have  never  chewed  any  gum  in  all  my 
life,  and  no  one  has  ever  before  accused  me  of  chewing 


THE  STAR  BOARDER 


11 


gum.  Nor  have  I  seen  any  lady  in  this  household  chewing 
gum — excepting  yourself. 

Molly  re-entering  from  door  at  rear. 

Molly.  Mr.  Ticknor  ain't  in  his  room,  Miss  Hunger- 
ford. 

Miss  H.  {in  a  subdued  tone).  I  thought  he  was.  But 
it  doesn't  matter  much  since  he  has  paid  me  in  advance. 
Nevertheless,  any  future  lack  of  promptness  at  meals  will 
not  be  tolerated. 

Miss  Painter  {timidly).  But  if  one  of  us  were  only  a 
minute  late,  couldn't  she  have  anything  to  eat? 

Miss  H.  {grimly).  No,  not  if  she  were  only  one  second 
late!  {She  begins  to  serve  herself  with  soup.)  Molly,  will 
you  go  out  into  the  butler's  pantry  and  get  the  salt  cellars. 
You  have  forgotten  to  place  them  on  the  table. 

Molly  {exiting  through  door  at  left).  Yes'm. 

Miss  Drinkwater  {protestingly) .  Miss  Hungerford, 
do  you  think  your  new  regulation  is  quite  fair?  Suppos- 
ing, for  example,  such  a  thing  as  our  train  service  should 
make  me  a  second  late  ? 

Miss  H.  {very  firmly).  There  will  be  no  exceptions — 
no  excuses!  In  the  future,  all  of  you  must  be  absolutely 
on  time. 

Molly  re-entering  from  door  at  left. 

Molly.  There  ain't  no  salt  cellars  in  the  butler's  pantry. 
Miss  Hungerford. 

Miss  H.  {quietly).  Well,  Molly,  go  look  for  them  in  the 
kitchen. 

Molly  {exiting  by  door  at  left).  Yes'm. 

Miss  Fillmore  {nervously).  Miss  Hungerford,  I  feel 
quite  a  strong  draft  from  sonie'cchcrc.  Are  the  windows 
closed  ? 

Miss  H.  {patiently).  Yes,  Miss  Fillmore,  they  haven't 
been  open  since  lunch  time. 

Miss  Fillmore  {complainingly) .  But  there's  a  draft 
from  somewhere.  Can  it  be  from  the  door.  Miss  Hunger- 
ford? 


u  OF  ILL  ua 


12  THE  STAR  BOARDER 

Miss  H.  (less  patiently).  No,  it  can't  possibly  be  from 
the  door. 

Miss  F.  (rising).  If  you  will  excuse  me,  I  shall  go  after 
my  shawl.  Miss  Hungerford.  (She  exits  through  door  at 
rear  just  as  Molly  enters  through  door  at  left.) 

Molly  (in  a  singsong  tone).  There  ain't  no  salt  cellars 
in  the  kitchen,  Miss  Hungerford. 

Miss  H.  (much  vexed).  Dear — dear — dear — dear!  La- 
dies, I  regret  to  announce  that  we  shall  have  to  do  without 
salt  cellars  this  evening.  Miss  Klickem,  of  course  I  did 
not  actually  see  you  place  that  gum  under  the  mantel  in  my 
parlor,  but  there  cannot  be  the  least  doubt  that  you  were 
the  depositor. 

Miss  K.  (lightly).  I  never  chew  gum  except  in  the  pri- 
vacy of  my  boudoir. 

Miss  H.  (sipping  a  little  of  her  soup).  Well,  when  you 
first  appeared  at  my  table,  you  tried  to  chew  gum  here,  but 
I  sternly  forbade  you — didn't  she.  Miss  Drinkwater? 

Miss  Fillmore  returns  to  her  seat  from  door  at  rear, 
having  on  a  grotesque  shawl.  As  she  sits  down,  Miss 
Lerned,  one  of  the  two  missing  guests,  comes  hurriedly 
in  from  rear  door,  zvifh  a  nezvs paper  in  her  hand,  and  seats 
herself  in  chair  at  left  of  Miss  Hungerford. 

Miss  H.  (with  a  smile).  Good  evening — or  morning — 
Miss  Lerned!  Why,  what  has  detained  you?  In  all  the  five 
years  you  have  been  my  guest,  I  never  knew  you  to  be  so 
late! 

Miss  Lerned  (rather  breathlessly) .  Yes,  I'm  late — 
about  five  minutes  late — I  hope  you'll  excuse  me,  Miss  Hun- 
gerford. 

Miss  H.  (condescendingly) .  Cer-tainly,  Miss  Lerned, 
cer-tainly — but  did  I  understand  you  to  say  that  you  are 
only  five  minutes  late  ? 

Miss  L.  (glancing  at  her  wrist  watch).  Yes,  Miss  Hun- 
gerford, by  my  watch  it  is  just  five  minutes  past  six. 

Miss  H.  (turning  and  pointing  to  the  clock).  Your  watch 
is  wrong — it  is  just  6:20  by  my  clock. 

Miss  L.  (rather  positively).  But  I  set  my  watch  by  ob- 
servatory time,  this  very  noon. 


AS  »    \  M 


THE  STAR  BOARDER 


13 


Miss  K.  (triumphantly  looking  at  her  watch).  That's 
exactly  what  my  watch  says — five  minutes  past  six. 

Miss  H.  (judicially) .  Ladies,  as  I  have  already  remarked, 
those  wrist  watches  are  most  rniserable  timekeepers,  and 
Miss  Lerned's  watch  has  proved  beyond  any  doubt  the  truth 
of  my  assertion.  That  clock  is  absolutely  correct,  and  we 
will  not  discuss  the  matter  any  further!  I  see,  Miss  Lerned, 
that  you  have  brought  a  newspaper  to  the  table — a  thing 
which  is  forbidden  by  one  of  the  regulations  of  this  house- 
hold— and  I  also  see  that  you  are  much  excited  over  some- 
thing. Would  it  be  too  personal  to  inquire  if  anything  un- 
usual has  occurred? 

Miss  K.  (to  Mrs.  Eaton,  aside).  There's  nothing  in  this 
house  that  escapes  the  notice  of  our  sweet-tongued  hostess ! 

Miss  L.  (^impressively) .  Miss  Hungerford,  you  are  quite 
right  in  your  belief  that  something  has  excited  me,  al- 
though it  was  not  that  which  caused  me  to  be  late.  And  if 
you  will  permit,  I  will  read  you  about  it  from  this  newspaper 
— it  is  very  important. 

Miss  H.  (in  a  tone  of  interest).  Certainly,  Miss  Lerned, 
certainly.  (She  begins  to  serve  Miss  Lerned  with  soup.) 

Miss  L.  (reading  from  the  newspaper) .  ''Escape  of  a 
dangerous  lunatic.^  Samuel  Madden  gets  out  of  the  insane 
asylum.  He  is  now  at  large  in  this  city.  The  authorities 
at  the  State  Insane  Asylum  have  just  announced  the  escape 
of  a  much-dreaded  inmate,  the  notorious  Samuel  Madden. 
Sometime  during  last  night,  by  a  most  ingenious  plan,  he  suc- 
ceeded in  getting  away  from  the  Asylum,  and  is  at  present,  in 
all  probability,  within  this  very  city.  He  is,  beyond  question, 
the  most  dangerous,  as  well  as  the  most  cunning  maniac, 
in  the  country,  and  no  one  will  feel  safe  until  he  is  returned 
to  his  place  of  confinement.  Madden  is  about  5  feet  6 
inches  in  height,  with  red  hair  and  blue  eyes,  a  smooth  face, 
and  prominent  nose  and  chin.  All  citizens  are  warned  to 
notify  at  once  the  State  Insane  Asylum  (telephone  number 
West  44)  of  the  presence  of  any  suspicious  stranger." 

Miss  H.  (still  serving  Miss  Lerned's  soup).  Well,  that 
is  indeed  a  most  disturbing  piece  of  news.    Now,  Miss 


14 


THE  STAR  BOARDER 


Lerned,  will  you  have  some  soup  ?  I  forgot  to  ask  you,  but 
you  always  do  take  soup. 

Miss  L.  (placing  the  newspaper  in  her  lap).  Yes,  thank 
you,  Miss  Hunger  ford,  I  will  take  some  soup.  (Miss  Hun- 
GERFORD  passes  Molly  the  sixth  soup  dish  for  Miss  Ler- 
ned.) But  dont  you  see  that  this  piece  of  news  may  con- 
cern you  closely? 

Miss  H.  (surprised) .    May  concern  me  closely? 

Miss  L.  (sipping  her  soup).  Yes,  Miss  Hunger  ford — 
your  nezu  guest,  whom  I  met  this  noon — isn't  he  about  5 
feet  6  inches  in  height  ? 

Miss  H.  (not  comprehending).    Well — about  that. 
(An  excitement  begins  among  the  other  guests.) 

Miss  L.  (sipping  her  soup).    Hasn't  he  red  hair? 

Miss  H.  (still  not  comprehending).  To  come  to  think  of 
it,  he  has. 

Miss  L.  (raising  her  napkin  to  her  lips).  Hasn't  he  blue 
eyes  ? 

Miss  H.  (still  not  comprehending).  Yes,  he  has,  but 
why  all  these  questions,  Miss  Lerned? 

Miss  L.  (sipping  her  soup).    Don't  you  seef 

Miss  H.  (a  little  sharply).    No,  I  don't! 

Miss  L.  (pausing  in  sipping  her  soup).  Isn't  his  face 
perfectly  smooth? 

Miss  H.  (beginning  to  understand).  It — is.  But  you 
don't  think? — 

Miss  L.  (more  impressively) .  Of  course  he  may  not  be. 
But  hasn't  he  a  prominent  nose  and  chin?  (Great  excite- 
ment among  the  other  guests.) 

Miss  H.  (somezvhat  excitedly).  Why — perhaps  it  is  the 
insane  man ! 

Miss  L.  (calmly).  It  looks  to  me  as  though  he  is.  Now, 
do  you  know  anything  about  your  new  guest  ? 

Miss  H.  (more  excitedly).  Nothing  at  all,  except  what 
he  told  me.  He  gave  no  references,  but  he  appeared  like  a 
perfect  gentleman,  and  paid  me  promptly  in  advance. 

Miss  L.  (again  sipping  her  soup).  Well,  there  doesn't 
seem  much  doubt  that  your  new  guest  is  a  dangerous  lu- 
natic. 


THE  STAR  BOARDER 


15 


Miss  H.  {very  excitedly).  It  must  be  he!  Miss  Lerned, 
what  shall  I  do  ? 

Miss  L.  {still  sipping  her  soup).  If  I  were  you,  i  should 
telephone  to  the  State  Asylum. 

Miss  H.  {rising  hastily).    I  will — at  once! 

Miss  L.  {looking  at  her  newspaper) .  This  newspaper 
gives  its  telephone  number  as  ''West  44/' 

Miss  H.  {rushing  out  of  the  room  by  door  at  rear). 
*'West  44,"  "West  44,"  ''West  44!" 

Miss  P.  {amid  mild  excitement  at  table,  all  standing  up). 
Isn't  this  aw-ful,  isn't  this  aw-ful! 

Miss  D.  {calmly).  Perhaps,  Miss  Lerned,  he  may  not  be 
the  lunatic. 

Miss  L.  {quietly).  I  am  afraid  that  he  is — does  Miss 
Hungerford  expect  him  to  dinner? 

Miss  D.  {a  little  less  calmly).  Yes,  she  does,  but  he 
hasn't  come  yet.  We  don't  know  where  he  is — he  isn't  in 
his  room. 

Miss  P.  {walking  around  nervously) .  What  shall  we  do? 
What  shall  we  do?  Supposing  he  should  come  in  now!  Oh, 
if  only  there  were  another  man  in  this  house!  A  brave, 
broad-shouldered,  handsome  man  who  could  protect  us ! 

Miss  K.  {rather  enthusiastically) .  That's  right!  I  wish 
just  such  a  man  were  here — this  very  moment! 

Mrs.  E.  {also  rather  enthusiastically) .    So  do  // — 

Miss  D.  {a  little  sarcastically).  Well,  there  isn't  any 
brave,  broad-shouldered,  handsome  man  here  to  protect  us, 
so  all  we  can  do  is  to  wait — and  keep  perfectly  calm. 

Miss  F.  {pulling  her  shawl  more  closely  around  her). 
There's  that  draft  again — {she  snee::es) — choo!  choo! 

Miss  P.  {hysterically,  moving  tozuards  zi'ijidozv  at  right). 
I'm  not  going  to  stay  and  be  killed!  I'm  going  to  jump  out 
of  that  window  right  7iozv! 

Miss  D.  {quietly).  Be  calm,  Miss  Painter,  be  perfectly 
calm !  The  best  thing  to  do  under  such  circumstances  is  to 
remain  cool  and  collected.  I  once  heard  of  a  woman  who 
remained  perfectly  calm,  and  humored  an  insane  man,  that 
saved  her  life.  That  is  exactly  how  we  must  act,  if  he 
enters ! 


16 


THE  STAR  BOARDER 


Miss  P.  (with  a  scream).    Oh,  I  hear  a  footstep! 

Miss  Hungerford  rc-cntcrs  by  door  at  rear;  they  all 
gather  around  her,  excitedly. 

Miss  H.  (m  a  irery  agitated  voice).  Well,  I  telephoned 
the  Asylum,  and  they  are  coming  at  once!  They  think,  be- 
yond doubt,  that  my  guest  is  the  lunatic !  They  told  me  to 
keep  perfectly  calm,  and  to  humor  him  in  every  way.  Also, 
to  put  out  of  sight  everything  that  might  be  used  by  this 
maniac  as  a  weapon.  {Energetically.)  Come,  ladies,  let  us 
hide  away  all  the  knives  and  forks  on  the  table! 

(Miss  Hungerford  hastens  to  the  table,  and,  assisted  by 
the  others,  removes  all  the  knives  and  forks  from  it;  Molly, 
also  assisting,  drops  several  of  the  knives  and  forks.) 

Miss  H.  {looking  excitedly  around  her).  Now,  where 
on  earth  shall  we  hide  them? 

Miss  D.  {quickly).  Why  not  put  them  into  the  closet, 
then  lock  its  door. 

Miss  H.  {hurrying  to  the  closet  and  pulling  open  its 
door).  The  very  thing!  {They  place  all  the  knives  and 
forks  upon  the  floor  of  the  closet,  and  then  Miss  Hunger- 
ford hastily  locks  its  door  and  puts  the  key  into  her  pocket.) 

Miss  L.  {as  they  return  from  the  closet  towards  the  ta- 
ble). Perhaps,  after  all,  Miss  Hungerford,  your  new 
boarder  will  not  come  to  dinner.  {She  glances  at  her  wrist 
watch.)   It  is  now  just  quarter  past  six. 

Miss  H.  {rather  sharply,  turning  towards  her  clock). 
You  mean.  Miss  Lerned,  that  it  is  exactly  half-past  six. 
{Just  then  the  clock  strikes  once — the  half -hour.) 

Miss  L.  {rather  positively).  But  it  is  only  quarter-past 
six  by  my  watch,  and  I  am  sure  my  watch  is  shsolutely  cor- 
rect. 

Miss  H.  {very  sharply).  We  will  not  discuss  the  matter 
further,  Miss  Lerned.  My  clock  says  6:^0  and  6:^0  it  is — 
in  this  household ! 

Miss  D.  {soothingly) .  Would  it  not  be  a  good  plan,  Miss 
Hungerford,  if  we  all  sat  down  at  the  table  again  and  acted 
just  as  if  nothing  had  happened.  As  we  are  now,  this  de- 
mented person  might  be  aroused. 


THE  STAR  BOARDER 


17 


Miss  H.  (quickly,  starting  towards  the  table).  You  are 
right,  Miss  Drinkwater.  Ladies,  please  to  resume  your 
seats  at  the  table,  and  to  appear  as  cool  and  natural  as  pos- 
sible. 

Miss  D.  (as  they  take  their  seats  again).  What  kind  of 
looking  man  is  this  new  guest?  From  that  newspaper  de- 
scription he  can't  be  very  handsome. 

Miss  H.  (sipping  her  soup).  Well,  he's  fairly  good  look- 
ing— in  fact,  of  rather  prepossessing  appearance — but  I'll 
never  again  trust  any  man's  personal  appearance. 

Miss  L.  (judicially).  No,  it  is  not  wise  for  woman  to 
trust  man's  personal  appearance — or,  indeed,  his  zvord! 

Miss  K.  (giggling  nervously).  Gee,  I  have  heard  of  a 
good  many  queer  things,  but  never  of  a  star  boarder  wTio 
was  a  lunatic. 

Miss  H.  (sipping  her  soup,  very  slowly).  It  is  true,  Miss 
Klickem,  that  one  or  two  of  my  guests  have  not  been  over- 
burdened with  brains,  but  most  of  them  have  been  normal, 
and  this  man  is  my  first  really  insane  guest. 

Miss  P.  (zvith  a  scream).    Oh!  I  hear  a  footstep! 

Tremendous  excitement  at  the  table,  presently  Mr.  Tick- 
NOR  enters  from  door  at  rear.  He  advances  to  his  seat  at 
the  table,  bozvs  courteously  to  Miss  Hungerford  and  the 
other  ladies,  then  seats  himself. 

Miss  H.  (very  nervously) .  Good  evening,  sir.  Mr.  Tick- 
nor,  you  have  already  met  Miss  Lerned  and  Miss  Fillmore. 
The  other  ladies  are  Miss  Drinkwater,  Miss  Klickem,  Mrs. 
Eaton  and  Miss  Painter. 

(Mr.  Ticknor  rises  and  bows  to  each  in  turn.  The  ladies 
bozv,  trying  to  assume  a  cool  and  natural  appearance.  Then 
Mr.  Ticknor  sits  dozvu  again.) 

Miss  H.  (smilingly).  Mr.  Ticknor,  may  I  serve  you  with 
some  soup? 

Mr.  Ticknor  (zvifh  a  bozv).  Yes,  thank  you,  Miss  Hun- 
gerford. Really,  I  must  apologize  for  being  late,  but,  to 
confess  the  truth,  I  went  to  sleep  up  on  your  roof — you 
have  a  most  delightful  roof. 


18 


THE  STAR  BOARDER 


Miss  H.  (in  amazement).  You  went  to  sleep  on  my 
roof!  Why,  ^'regulation  of  my  household — {pausing  ab- 
ruptly, then  smiling  very  graciously) — isn't  there  a  splendid 
view  from  my  roof,  Mr.  Ticknor? 

Mr.  T.  {enthusiastically) .  Magnificent!  I  adore  roofs — 
I  have  never  gotten  over  my  boyhood  liking  for  roofs. 

Miss  H.  {trying  to  be  enthusiastic,  passing  the  soup  dish 
to  Molly,  who  places  it  in  front  of  Mr.  Ticknor).  Yes,  it 
is  thrilling,  Til  admit!    I  used  to  climb  roofs  myself. 

Mr.  T.  {sipping  his  soup).  I  had  a  book  with  me — one 
of  the  ''best  sellers" — and  I  fell  asleep.  I  did  not  wake  up 
until  about  five  minutes  ago. 

Miss  H.  {also  sipping  her  soup;  all  the  others  are  pre- 
tending to  sip  theirs).  It  must  be  perfectly  delightful  to  fall 
asleep  on  a  roof. 

Mr.  T.  {smiling).  Yes,  unless  you  happen  to  fall  ofif 
asleep  !  (Miss  Hungerford,  and  then  the  other  ladies,  laugh 
heartily.) 

Miss  H.  {attempting  to  dry  her  eyes  with  her  napkin). 
Ha !  Ha !  Ha !  How  very  witty  you  are,  sir !  Unless  you  hap- 
pen to  fall  ofif  asleep !  Ha !  Ha !  Ha ! 

Mr.  T.  {in  a  rather  solemn  tone).  Perhaps,  Miss  Hun- 
gerford,  you  can  tell  me  why  pigs  eat  so  much? 

Miss  H.  {becoming  very  serious).  Why  pigs  eat  so 
much  ? 

Mr.  T.  {more  solemnly).  Yes,  why  pigs  devour  so  much? 
Miss  H.  {zrry  seriously).    I  am  sure  I  don't  know,  Mr. 
Ticknor. 

Mr.  T.  {smiling).  Because  they  are  trying  to  be  hogs, 
Miss  Hungerford!  (Miss  Hungerford  hesitates,  then 
laughs  heartily;  the  others  follow  her  example.) 

Miss  H.  {again  attempting  to  dry  her  eyes  with  her  nap- 
kin). Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  That  is  the  best  joke  I  ever  heard  in 
my  life,  and  I  have  heard  a  good  many  funny  things  at  this 
table  !  Ha  !  Ha  !  Ha ! 

Mr.  T.  {sipping  his  soup).  I  am  glad  you  all  appreciate 
it  so  much.  It's  really  an  excellent  joke,  but  very  few  peo- 
ple understand  it. 

Miss  H.  {also  sipping  her  soup).    Anyone  who  cannot 


THE  STAR  BOARDER  19 

understand  a  joke  like  that,  must  be  out  of  his  mind — 
(quickly) — that  is,  he  must  lack  the  golden  sense  of  humor. 

Mr.  T.  (sipping  his  soup).  That  is  what  I  have  often 
thought.  Well,  to  return  to  your  roof,  I  did  not  sleep  there 
very  long,  but — horrors! — wliat  a  dreadful  dream  I  did 
have !  Did  you  ever  dream  of  being  insane,  Miss  Hunger- 
ford? 

Miss  H.  (shrinking  somemhat  away  from  him).  N-o — er 
— no,  sir. 

Mr.  T.  (looking  slowly  and  strangely  around  over  the 
table).  Well,  ladies,  I  dreamed  of  being  insane — of  sud- 
denly going  insane — and  then  I  did  such  terrible  things ! 

Miss  H.  (shrinking  still  further  azvay  from  him).  You 
— did — such — terrible — things  ? 

Mr.  T.  (gloomily).  Yes,  madam,  but,  of  course,  it  was 
all  a  dream. 

Miss  H.  (trying  to  jest).  I  hope,  Mr.  Ticknor,  your 
dream  was  not  caused  by  anything  you  have  eaten  in  this 
household. 

Mr.  T.  (positively).  No,  Miss  Hungerford,  I  did  not 
eat  enough  at  lunch  tO'  affect  me  in  such  a  disagreeable  way. 
Probably  my  bad  dream  was  caused  by  reading  in  a  news- 
paper that  a  dangerous  lunatic  had  escaped  from  the  State 
Asylum. 

Miss  H.  (nervously).   Doubtless  it  was  that. 

Mr.  T.  (again  looking  slozvly  and  strangely  around  over 
the  table).  Yes,  ladies,  a  dread  fid  and  dangerous  maniac! 
His  escape  impressed  me  very  deeply.  (He  glances  at  the 
clock.)  Why,  I  didn't  know  I  was  so  late  in  coming  to  din- 
ner. (He  draws  out  his  watch.)  Well,  I  thought  not.  Miss 
Hungerford,  your  clock  is  just  fifteen  minutes  fast.  I  have 
here  the  correct  time.  Permit  me  to  set  your  clock  right. 
(He  rises.) 

Miss  H.  (very  nervously) .  But  my  clock  must  be  correct. 
It  does  not  gain  one  minute  in  a  year. 

Mr.  T.  (putting  his  watch  back  into  his  pocket).  But, 
nevertheless,  it  is  fifteen  minutes  fast.  I  set  my  watch  by 
observatory  time,  late  this  afternoon.  Pardon  me  ladies. 
(He  leaves  the  table  and  walks  tozvards  the  clock.)    It  is 


20 


THE  STAR  BOARDER 


probable  that  your  clock  needs  repairing — but  I  shall  merely 
stop  it  for  fifteen  minutes  and  then  start  it  again.  {He 
begins  to  open  the  lower  door  of  the  clock.) 

Miss  H.  {very  quickly  and  very  sharply),  Mr.  Ticknor! 
Just  one  moment!  {He  drops  his  hand  away  from  the  clock 
door  and  faces  tozvards  Iter.)  If  you  will  be  so  kind,  sir, 
before  regulating  the  clock,  to  assist  me  in  something  else. 
I  keep  all  my  table  knives  in  that  closet — {with  a  motion 
tozvards  closet  at  right) — in  a  drawer,  and,  somehow,  I 
haven't  been  able  this  evening  to  get  it  open.  So,  if  we  are 
to  use  any  knives  at  dinner,  we  must  open  that  drawer.  / 
can't  open  it,  Mr.  Ticknor,  but  per-haps — {imth  a  sweet 
smile) — would  it  be  too  much  trouble — for  you  to  open  that 
drawer  ? 

Mr.  T.  {obligingly) .  No  trouble  at  all  Miss  Hunger  ford, 
no  trouble  at  all!  {She  rises  and  goes  to  the  closet,  fol- 
lozved  by  Mr.  Ticknor.  She  takes  key  from  pocket  and 
unlocks  the  door,  leaving  key  in  door.  Then  she  opens  the 
door.) 

Miss  H.  {with  another  szveet  smile).  I  am  sure  it  is  very 
kind  of  you,  sir.  {She  stands  aside.)  The  drawer  seems 
to  be  *'stuck" — all  it  needs  is  a  good  strong  pull.  Oh,  by 
the  way,  there  are  some  things  upon  the  closet  floor — will 
you  please  not  step  upon  them  when  you  enter.  (Mr.  Tick- 
nor opens  the  door  zvider  and  enters  cautiously ;  then,  as 
soon  as  he  has  advanced  far  enough  into  the  closet.  Miss 
HuNGERFORD  slams  its  door,  hastily  locking  it.  She  speaks 
with  breathless  energy.)  There — you  crazy  galoot — I've  got 
you  canned.  {Still  holding  the  key  in  her  hand,  she  sinks 
wearily  into  Mr.  Ticknor's  chair,  while  Miss  Painter  and 
Miss  Fillmore  fall  fainting  back  into  their  seats.) 

Miss  D.  {amid  increasing  disturbance  inside  the  closet). 
I  do  hope  that  closet  lock  and  its  door  are  both  strong ! 

Miss  H.  {rising  from  Mr.  Ticknor's  chair.  Miss  Fill- 
more and  Miss  Painter  shozving  signs  of  recovering).  No, 
neither  the  lock  nor  the  door  is  strong.  {Heavy  pounding 
upon  door  and  muffled  shouts.) 

Miss  D.  {nervously).  I  wish  those  people  from  the 
Asylum  would  come. 


THE  STAR  BOARDER  21 

Miss  K.  (stopping  her  ears).  He's  '*bug-house''  now,  all 
right !  Mercy,  what  wicked  words  he  is  using ! 

Miss  H.  (starting  towards  the  door).  There's  the  tele- 
phone! It  may  be  from  the  Asylum  people.  (She  rushes 
out  of  the  room  by  door  at  rear,  still  holding  the  closet's 
key  in  her  hand.) 

Miss  P.  (wildly,  with  a  scream).  I'm  going  to  jump  out 
of  that  window  right  now!  (She  hurries  towards  window 
at  right,  but  is  stopped  by  Miss  Drinkwater.) 

Miss  D.  (persuading  her  to  sit  dozvn  in  her  chair  at  the 
table.)   Be  calm,  Miss  Painter,  be  perfectly  calm! 

Miss  K.  (listening  at  the  door).  My!  But  some  of  his 
language  is  mighty  choice.  It's  far  ahead  of  anything  I 
ever  heard  my  boss  say,  even  when  he's  maddest. 

Miss  D.  (uneasily,  seizing  the  tongs  from  the  fireplace). 
Ladies,  arm  yourselves !  In  case  he  breaks  forth,  smite  him 
without  mercy! 

Miss  K.  (grabbing  the  poker,  flourishing  it).  Gee,  if  I 
ever  bat  him  one  on  the  bean,  he'll  break  that  'new  rule  of 
our  household  all  right ! 

Miss  H.  re-entering  from  door  at  rear,  much  agitated. 

Miss  H.  Oh,  ladies,  what  an  aw-ful  mistake  1  have 
made!  The  Asylum  people  just  telephoned  me  that  the  lu- 
natic has  been  captured  and  is  now  in  his  cell  again.  What 
on  earth  am  I  to  do  about  that  harmless  man  I  locked  up 
in  the  closet  ? 

Miss  K.  (unsympathetically) .  I  know  what  you  shoidd 
do.  You  should  make  a  new  regulation  at  once,  not  to  lock 
up  your  guests  in  closets !  (More  pounding  upon  the  door.) 

Miss  H.  (hesitatingly).    What  shall  I  do? 

Miss  D.  (decidedly).  Well,  you've  got  to  let  him  out  at 
once! 

Miss  H.  (fumbling  in  her  pocket).  Oh — gracious — I 
have  lost  the  key!  (She  searches  around  for  it  ztnldly.) 
Ladies,  please  help  me  find  it!  (Sharply.)  Molly,  will  you 
look  for  that  key,  instead  of  standing  there  like  a — idiot ! 
(More  pounding  upon  door;  Molly  leaves  the  room  by 
rear  door,  the  others  search  energetically  around  the  room; 


22  THE  STAR  BOARDER 

Miss  Drinkwater  and  Miss  Klickem  return  their  weap- 
ons to  the  fireplace.) 

Miss  H.  (excitedly,  starting  towards  door  at  rear).  Per- 
haps I  lost  it  when  I  was  telephoning. 

At  this  moment  Mr.  Ticknor  succeeds  in  breaking  the 
lock  of  the  closet  door  and  violently  enters  the  dining  room, 
scattering  out  into  it  zmth  his  feet  some  of  the  knives  and 
forks  which  had  been  placed  on  the  closet  floor. 

Mr.  T.  {furiously) .  What  the  devil  do  you  mean  by  this 
outrage  ?  I  say,  what  do  you  mean  by  locking  me  up  in  that 
closet  ?  Are  you  all  crazy  ?  Is  this  an  Insane  Asylum  ? 

Miss  H.  {very  meekly).  No,  Mr.  Ticknor,  this  is  not  an 
insane  asylum — but  we  thought  that  you  were. 

Mr.  T.  {savagely  glaring  at  her).  You  thought  that  / 
was !  Madam,  you  will  find  that  this  hallucination  of  yours 
will  cost  you  dear!  {He  zmlks  zvildly  up  and  down  the 
room.)  How  dare  you.  Miss  Hungerford,  to  incarcerate  me 
like  a  common  criminal  in  that  dreadful  closet!  Insane? 
Why  I  was  never  insane  in  all  my  life — the  very  idea! 
{Pausing  to  glare  at  her  once  more.)  Again  I  ask,  what  do 
you  meayi  by  locking  me  up  in  that  closet? 

Miss  H.  {still  more  meekly).  Well,  you  see — when  you 
began  to  interfere  with  my  clock — to  stop  it — I  thought  the 
only,  way  to  stop  you  was  to  lock  you  up  in  the  closet.  I 
was  afraid  you  might  injure  the  clock. 

Mr.  T.  {bitterly).  What?  That  old  chromo  of  a  time- 
piece! That  homely  survival  from  an  ash  dump!  Madam, 
you  would  amuse  me  greatly  were  this  matter  not  so  seri- 
ous.   That  clock!  It's  a — deuce  of  a  clock! 

Miss  H.  {sharply).  Sir,  you  shall  not  insult  my  great- 
grandfather's clock! 

Mr.  T.  {sarcastically).  Your  ^r^af-grandfather's  clock! 
Bah !  To  lock  me,  Timothy  Ticknor,  in  a  closet  for  the  sake 
of  that  scarecrow  of  a  clock! 

Miss  H.  {very  sharply).  Sir! 

Molly  entering  suddenly  from  door  at  rear,  holding  aloft 
the  closet  door  key  and  the  salt  cellars. 


THE  STAR  BOARDER 


23 


Molly.  Miss  Hungerford,  Miss  Hungerford,  I've  found 
the  closet  door  key  and  the  salt  cellars !  They  was  on  the 
mantelpiece  in  the  parlor. 

Miss  H.  (clearly).  On  the  mantelpiece  where  Miss 
Klickem  deposited  her  chewing  gum? 

Molly  (approaching  her).  Yes'm. 

Miss  H.  (with  dignity).  Please  place  them  on  the  side- 
board for  the  present. 

Molly  (following  directions) .  Yes'm.  (Again  ap- 
proaching Miss  Hungerford  and  then  pointing  her  finger 
accusingly  at  Mr.  Ticknor.)  Miss  Hungerford,  he's  the 
one  that  set  your  clock  ahead ! 

Miss  H.  (quickly).  What's  that,  Molly?  Did  you  say 
that  Mr.  Ticknor  set  my  clock  ahead? 

Molly  (positively).  Yes'm.  I  seen  him  do  it,  and  he 
gave  me  a  quarter  not  to  see  him  do  it ! 

Miss  H.  (very  sternly).  Mr.  Ticknor,  is  this  true?  Did 
you  set  the  hands  of  my  clock  ahead,  and  then  give  a  quar- 
ter to  my  maid  that  she  should  not  betray  you  ? 

Mr.  T.  (hesitatingly).    Well — er^ — that  is — er — 

Miss  H.  (zmth  utmost  severity).  Sir — no  evasion — did 
you  or  did  you  not  set  that  clock  ahead  ? 

Mr.  T.  (rather  meekly).  Yes,  Miss  Hungerford,  I  did. 
Permit  me  to  explain.  When  I  came  to  lunch  this  noon  that 
clock  was  going,  but  when  I  happened  to  enter  the  dining 
room  later,  it  had  stopped.  Naturally  I  investigated  and 
discovered  why  it  had  stopped.    It  had  run  down. 

Miss  H.  (weakly).    It — had — run — down?  Impossible ! 

Mr.  T.  (somewhat  nervously).  Yes,  Miss  Hungerford, 
it  had  run  down — it  had  not  been  wound  up.  Accordingly, 
I  wound  it  up  myself,  and  just  as  I  was  setting  its  hands 
by  my  watch  that  maid  of  yours  entered,  and  I  gave  her  a 
quarter  not  to  say  anything  about  the  matter.  I  was  afraid 
you  might  be  angry. 

Miss  H.  (very  zveakly,  sitting  down  in  a  chair).  Nozv  I 
remember — yes,  I  did  forget  to  wind  it  up.  (Rising  from 
her  seat.)  But,  Mr.  Ticknor,  if  you  set  that  clock  right,  why 
is  it  fifteen  minutes  fast? 

Mr.  T.  (very  meekly).    My  watch  was  wrong.    I  found 


24  THE  STAR  BOARDER 

that  out  afterwards.  {He  walks  towards  the  clock.)  Now, 
Miss  Hungerford,  with  your  permission  to  regulate  the 
harm  which  my  hands  have  done,  let  me  stop  your  clock  for 
fifteen  minutes  until  the  correct  time  overtakes  it. 

Miss  H.  {very  sharply).  Mr.  Ticknor,  you  leave  that 
clock  alone! 

Mr.  T.  {quickly  turning  away  from  the  clock).  Yes, 
madam ! 

Miss  H.  {energetically).  Molly,  will  you  pick  up  the 
knives  and  forks  from  the  floor,  close  the  closet  door,  re- 
move the  soup  plates  and  bring  in  the  rest  of  the  dinner? 

Molly  {einphatically) .  A^o  mum !  1  won't!  I  gives  my 
notice!  Mr.  Ticknor — take  back  your — money! 

{She  throws  the  quarter  which  Mr.  Ticknor  gave  her  vio- 
lently to  the  Hoor,  then  exits  furiously  by  door  on  left, 
banging  it  shut.    The  clock  strikes  seven.) 

Curtain. 


% 


t 


DENISON'S  ACTING  PLAYS 

Partial  List  of  Successful  and  Popular  Plays.  Larse  Catalogue  Free 


FARCES,  COMEDIETAS,  Etc 
Price  25  Cents  Each 

M.  F.  ' 


All  on  a  Summer's  Day,  40  min.  4  6 
Aunt  Harriet's  Night  Out,  35 

min.   1  2 

Aunt  Matilda's  Birthday  Party, 

35  min   11 

Billy's  Chorus  Girl,  30  min...  2  3 

Borrowed  Luncheon,  20  min..  5 

Borrowing  Trouble,  20  min....  3  5 
Case  Against  Casey,  40  min... 23 

Class  Ship,  35  min   3  8 

Divided  Attentions,  35  min.  .,14 

Fun  in  Photo  Gallery,  30  min..  6  10 

Getting  Rid  of  Father,  20  min.  3  1 

Goose  Creek  Line,  1  hr   3  10 

Great  Pumpkin  Case,  35  min..  12 

Hans  Von  Smash,  30  min....  4  3 

Honest  Peggy,  25  min   8 

Irish  Linen  Peddler,  40  min...  3  3 
Just  Like  a  Woman,  35  min.  ..33 

Last  Rehearsal,  25  min   2  3 

Men  Not  Wanted,  30  min   8 

Mother  Goose's  Goslings,  30  m.  7  9 

Mrs.  Jenkins'  Brilliant  Idea,  35m.  8 

Mrs.  Stubbins'  Book  Agent,  30  m.  3  2 

Not  a  Man  in  the  House,  40  m.  5 

Paper  Wedding,  30  min   1  5 

Pat's  Matrimonial     enture,  25 

min   1  2 

Patsy  O'Wang,  35  min   4  3 

Rummage  Sale,  50  min   4  10 

Sewing   for   the   Heathen,  40 

min.   9 

Shadows,  35  min   3  4 

Sing  a  Song  of  Seniors,  30  min.  7 

Taking  Father's  Place,  30  min.  5  3 
Teacher  Kin  I  Go  Home,  35 

min   7  3 

Too  Much  of  a  Good  Thing,  45 

min   3  6 

Two  Ghosts  in  White,  20  min . .  8 

Two  of  a  Kind,  40  min   2  3 

Uncle  Dick's  Mistake,  20  min..  3  2 

Wanted:  a  Correspondent,  45  m.  4  4 
Watch,  a  Wallet,  and  a  Jack  of 

Spades,  40  min   3  6 

Whole  Truth.  40  min   5  4 

Who's  the  Boss?  30  min   3  6 

Wide  Enough  for  Two,  45  min.  5  2 

Wrong  Baby,  25  min   8 

FARCES,  COMEDIETAS,  Etc. 
Price  15  Cents  Each 

April  Fools,  30  min   3 

Assessor,  The,  15  min.   3  2 

Baby  Show  at  Pineville,  20  min.  19 
Before    the    Play    Begins,  15 

min   2  1 

Billy's  Mishaps,  20  min   2  3 

Country  Justice,  15  min   8 

^Cow  that  Kicked  Chicago,  25  m.  3  2 

Family   Strike,   20  min   3  3 

First-Class   Hotel,   20  min   4 

For  Love  and  Honor,  20  min  ..21 

Fudge  and  a  Burglar,  15  min..  5 


M.  F. 

Great  Medical  Dispensary,  30  m.  6 

Initiating  a  Granger,  25  min..  8 

Kansas  Immigrants,  20  min...  5  1 

Lottie  Sees  It  Through,  35  min.  3  4 

Pair  of  Lunatics,  20  min   1  1 

Pat,  the  Apothecary,  35  min..  6  2 

Please  Pass  the  Cream,  20  min.  1  1 

Second  Childhood,  15  min....  2  2  j 

Smith's  Unlucky  Day,  20  min..  1  1 

That  Rascal  Pat,  30  min   3  2 

Two  Aunts  and  a  Photo,  20  m.  4  : 

Two  Gentlemein  in  a  Fix,  15  m.  2 

Wanted:  A  Hero,  20  min   1  1  j 

VAUDEVILLE  SKETCHES 
Price  25  Cents  Each 

Amateur,  15  min   1    1  j 

At  Harmony  Junction,  20  min.  4 

Breakfast  Food  for  Two.  20  m.  1  1 

Cold  Finish,  15  min..,   2  1 

Coming  Champion,  20  min....  2 

Fresh  Timothy  Hay,  20  min..  2  1 

Her  Hero,  20  min   1  1 

Hey,  Rube!    15   min.,   1  ; 

It  Might  Happen,  20  min   1    1  \ 

Little  Miss  Enemy,  15  min....  1  1 

Little  Red  School  House,  20  m.  4 

Marriage  and  After,  10  min..  1 
One  Sweetheart  for  Two,  20  m.  2 

Oyster  Stew,  10  min   2 

Pete  Yansen's  Gurl's  Moder,  10m.  1 

Quick  Lunch  Cabaret,  20  min..  4 

Si  and  L  15  min   1 

Special  Sale,  15  min   2 

Street  Faker,  15  min   3 

Such  Ignorance,  15  min   2 

Sunny  Son  of  Italy,  15  min..  I 

Time  Table,  20  min   1  1 

Tramp  and  the  Actress,  20  min.  1  1 

Troubles  of  Rozinski,  15  min..  1 

Two  Jay  Detectiyes,  15  min..  3 

Umbrella  Mender,  15  min....  2 

Vait  a  Minute   2 

BLACK-FACE  PLAYS 
Price  15  Cents  Each 

Axin'  Her  Father,  25  min   2  3 

Booster  Club  of  Blackville,  25 

min  10 

Colored  Honeymoon,  25  min.  ..22 
Coon  Creek  Courtship,  15  m...  1  1 
Coontown  Thirteen  Club,  25  m.  14 
Darktown  Fire  Brigade,  25m..  10 


Good  Mornin' -Judffe,  35  min..  9  2 

Hungry,  15  min  2 

Love  and  Lather,  35  rain  3  2 

Memphis  Mose,  25  min   5  1 

Oh,  Doctor!  /TO  min   6  2 

Troubled  by  Ghosts,  10  min...  4 
What  "Happened  to  Hannah,  15 

min   1  1 


A  srreat  number  of 
Standard  and  Amateur  Plays 
not  found  here  are  listed  in 
Denison's  Catalogue 


T^.DENISON&  COMPANY,  Publishers,154W.  Randolph  St.,  Chicago 


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Selected,  fine  for  older  pupils. 
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From  six  to  eleven  years  of  age. 
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Thirteen  selections. 
Friday  Afternoon  Dialogues. 

Over  60,000  copies  sold. 
From  Tots  to  Teens. 

Dialogues  and  recitations. 
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For  older  ones. 
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From  7  to  13  years  of  age. 
Lively  Dialogues. 

For  all  ages;  mostly  humorous. 
Merry  Little  Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight  original  selections. 
When  the  Lessons  are  Over. 

Dialogues,  drills,  plays. 
Wide  Awake  Dialogues. 

Original  successful. 

SPEAKERS,  MONOLOGUES 

Choice  Pieces  for  Little  People. 

A  child's  speaker. 
The  Cornic  Entertainer. 

Recitations,  monologues,  dialogues. 
Dialect  Readings. 

Irish,  Dutch,  Negro,  Scotch,  etc. 
The  Favorite  Speaker. 

Choice  prose  and  poetry. 
The  Friday  Afternoon  Speaker. 

For  pupils  of  all  ages. 
Humorous  IVIonoiogues. 

Particularly  for  ladies. 
Monologues  for  Young  Folks. 

Clever,  humorous,  original. 


Monologues  Grave  and  Gay. 

Dramatic  and  humorous. 
Scrap- Book  Recitations. 

Choice  collections,  pathetic,  hu- 
morous, descriptive,  pro.se, 
poetry.   15  Nos. 

DRILLS 

The  Best  Drill  Book. 

Very  popular  drills  and  marches 
The  Favorite  Book  of  Drills. 

Drills  that  sparkle  with  originality. 
Little  Plays  With  Drills. 

For  children  from  6  to  11  years. 
The  Surprise  Drill  Book. 

Fresh,  novel,  drills  and  marches. 

SPECIALTIES 

The  Boys'  Entertainer. 

Monologues,  dialogues,  drills. 
Children's  Party  Book. 

Invitations,  decorations,  games. 
The  Christmas  Entertainer, 

Novel  and  diversified. 
The  Days  We  Celebrate. 

Entertainments  for  all  the  holidays. 
Good  Things  for  Christmas. 

Recitations,   dialogues,  drills. 
Good  Things  for  Sunday  Schools. 

Dialogues,  exercises,  recitations. 
Good  Things  for  Thanksgiving. 

A  gem  of  a  book. 
Good    Things    for  Washington 

and  Lincoln  Birthdays. 
Little  Folks'  Budget. 

Easy  pieces  to  speak,  songs. 
One  Hundred  Entertainments. 

New  parlor  diversions,  socials. 
Patriotic  Celebrations. 

Great  variety  of  material. 
Pictured  Readings  and  Tableaux. 

Entirely  original  features. 
Pranks  and  Pastimes. 

Parlor  games  for  children. 
Shadow  Pictures,  Pantomimes, 

Charades,  and  how  to  prepare. 
Tableaux  and  Scenic  Readings. 

New  and  novel;  for  all  ages. 
Twinkling   Fingers   and  Sway- 
ing Figures.   For  little  tots. 
Yuletide  Entertainments. 

A  choice  Christmas  collection. 

MINSTRELS,  JOKES 

The  Black-Face  Joker. 

Minstrels*  and  end  men's  gags. 
A  Bundle  of  Burnt  Cork  Comedy. 

Monologues,  stump  speeches,  etc. 
Laughland,  via  the  Ha-Ha  Route. 

A  merry  trip  for  fun  tourists. 
Negro  Minstrels. 

All  about  the  business. 
The  New  Jolly  Jester. 

Funny  stories,  jokes,  gags,  etc. 

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